The Kids: 8 Reasons to Choose Joy (Not Chores)
In trying to raise amazing, upstanding and confident humans there are a lot of decisions to be made and very few (maybe none) navigation guides when you want to streamline to your own thoughts and beliefs.
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You can buy all of the guides and read all of the blogs you want, but really, it’s all opinion and no one else is living your life so the decisions fall solely on the parents – and I’d like you to embrace that. I encourage you to read, listen, learn and gather opinions but also ask yourself how you feel about what you are consuming. Be authentic to yourself.
As a mom I am flooded with a plethora kid’s magazines and mommy blog emails – many pushing the life changing value of teaching your children chores from the age of 3. It’s almost force fed to me to the point of maybe forgetting that I don’t believe in this method for kids at all. There are ideas of how to trick them, play games to entice them, use money as the incentive, create a points system, set up a rigid schedule or just plain, “discipline” them into it.
None of these sounds remotely attractive or productive to me.
As an organizer, you would think that I love the structure and eat this up like candy. I almost thought I did too, but no I do not. Do I love scheduling and to-do lists or maximizing productivity? You bet. For myself – I choose the joy in that, but that’s me as an adult. The child in me, probably not. There is such a thing as over-scheduling or over-organizing and I draw the line with the kids. There are many more things that kids can be doing, many more important goals to focus on and my awareness about projecting my current habits to shape them or holding childhood ransom if the chores aren’t done are clear. I won’t do it.
Note: I’m not saying they shouldn’t do chores, if they would like to participate or are asked to help then it’s totally acceptable. However, to create a mandatory demand for chores with the expectation of teaching certain life skills isn’t my cup of tea. I do believe kids get curious and might participate gladly. I can admit that I have found organizing and tidying up as well as dish washing and laundry to be therapeutic. Though asked to help out and encouraged to keep a tidy space, there was no demand or system revolving around chores. It was something that had to be done when necessary. Simple.
The Playdate
At the age of 9, I visited a close friend – a date that we had been planning meticulously for weeks. As we were enjoying our first scheduled activity: roller-skating in the driveway, her mother came out and stated that she told her “no fun until the toilet was cleaned and the floor scrubbed”. She said ok and went back to playing with me, thinking that she would do this when I went home. Her mother then came out demanded that she stop playing and complete the task immediately. We both went upstairs, and I stood there awkwardly watching her scrub the floor. I was glad to go home as she was finishing up. I was shocked, horrified and honestly a bit more grateful for my mom that day.
Her weekends were always full of chores and all of those efforts to “keep her on the straight and narrow” didn’t pay off in the long run. She rebelled mercilessly as a teen and has had a strained relationship with her mother well into adulthood. (I can’t watch “Mommy Dearest” and not think of her to this day. She was always struggling to use her voice and then being told what to do. Yes, this is an isolated incident but the impact was huge. Not only on her life but on mine.
My current planner (The Happy Planner). The message is clear.
Moral of the story: Your children benefit throughout their lives if you teach them choose joy while they can, instead of dictating their movements and using joy as a reward for mundane tasks.
I was raised in a household in which dad thought we should do chores and mom said we had the rest of our lives to do them and we could do so in our own homes. She truly believed that we should concentrate on being independent and goal oriented. People would comment “what kind of wife will they be” (never a comment on my brother’s spousal aptitudes). She would reply, a very smart and independent one.
Both of my parents worked full time with long commutes – I appreciate their efforts on a much higher level today as I don’t think I really understood the depth and efforts as before.
Needless to say, Mom won this argument and I agree with her more than ever now that I’m a parent.
Why?
Because there were a million other ways that we (myself and siblings) were taught the “life” skills that chores are claimed to teach us and none of us dislike chores. We were all able to live successfully, use our own voices and have the ability to recognize how to enjoy life in a way that is true to each of us (and we have neat/clean homes). This is really what helps me live in balance.
PRO ORGANIZER TIP: When organizing a playroom use very generic labels with semi-clear easy to reach containment. Kids will clean up if everything has a home and work together once in a while. (Don’t force clean up).
As an adult, I’m great at chores and I don’t mind them, maybe because I figured them out later In a positive way. Cooking, cleaning, organizing – I even teach others how to set this up and maintain systems. But when clients ask me to teach their kids, I advise that I can plant the seeds during a session and set up a system, but they truly learn from example. If you want your child to clean up, give them a useful system and SHOW them how it works through your own behavior.
Let’s examine some of the most common claimed benefits of teaching kids chores and I’ll show you why you should choose to put the same efforts towards much more positive parenting methods with better results.
Claim #1: Chores help teach life skills.
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I can attest to the fact that I did not know how to do laundry or even vacuum before I was out on my own. Well, it’s not rocket science. It took me a few googles and maybe 2-3 tries before I had it under control. Is it easier for a 5 or 6-year-old to learn to sort laundry or an 18-year-old with an actual need for it?
My bet goes on the 18-year-old.
Teaching your children about diversity, empathy, personal empowerment or negotiations is time better spent. Play a board game while they still want to!
Claim #2: Chores help kids learn responsibility and self-reliance.
Well so does doing homework, caring for pets or choosing their own outfit. Life throws tons of natural chances to learn about responsibility – teach them to handle these situations well. Don’t create more. They will take pride in handling reality better than if you create tasks.
Claim #3: Chores help children be respectful authority and their surroundings.
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My 2-1/2 year old likes to clean up – not because I taught her but because she watches me. We visited a museum there was a supermarket in which all of the items were on the floor. On her own, she picked them up and put the fruits in the right spot, then the vegetables. Impressive. Yes. But it wasn’t taught, I’m pretty sure she’s seen me take joy in making things look pretty and has picked that up herself.
Maybe in theory you can expect children to respect their surroundings if they work hard to keep them clean – or they can just resent the fact that they have to clean and become a bit rebellious and disrespectful.
A better approach might be treating them with kindness and respect - as in asking for help rather than creating a system of games or tricks. I’ve found that often a child will reciprocate how they are treated rather than just conform to what they are told without reason.
There are going to be many battles or mountains to climb in parents – why create an extra?
Again, lead by example and show them that you respect them and your surroundings. Raise awareness of their own worth.
Claim#4: Chores teach teamwork/being a part of the household.
Unless you are standing there working alongside your child or cheering them on to do chores – how is the time constructive in teaching teamwork?
Take the alternate route and build something together, identify a problem to solve or get them into sports rather than to use chores as team building. I often dance around with my children, build legos or cook with them – it’s fun for both of us and we are part of something joyful, together.
There are a multitude of tasks which a child might enjoy (example: helping to prepare a meal) – it’s better to identify what they enjoy and do that together.
The discovery is part of the gem, joining them shows them that their opinion counts. That’s a team!
Claim #5: Chores help build a strong work ethic.
The concept here is that bosses and teachers value a strong work ethic. Is the goal teach our children to be desirable for an employer or do we want them to live a successful and enjoyable life? Finding their true interest and teaching them how to commit to that interest and achieve a personal goal is much more constructive in developing a work ethic.
Rewards are not a negative, but there’s a way to teach about them.
Teach them that it is possible to enjoy your life and work hard towards something.
Claim #6 Chores help improve planning and time management.
Quarantine definitely emphasized that we are all guilty of having packed way too many activities into the 24 hours that we are granted. We wish for more time, but do what? Needing more time doesn’t mean that you are more productive or over-scheduled – it might just mean that you have a lot of tasks keeping you busy. Usually 10% of your time is quality and the rest are necessities and busy work. Why introduce that to your child’s life now?
Don’t fill up your child’s schedule or leave very little time for their own creativity. Show them how to find ways to maximize quality time while they can. The “rat race” concept does not always get your kids to the top and if it does, it hardwires for a ton of worry and anxiety. Setting up play dates, playing sports and not planning each moment can give teach them the time management skills they need.
Be Aware: Kid life vs. Adult life
Claim #7: Chores give a family the chance to bond.
Are chores the first thing that come to mind when you think of family bonding? To me, we bond over something enjoyable or meaningful.
Chores aren’t in that category.
Claim#8: Chores teach kids how to handle money.
Well, so does their observation of you in a store, watching you handle money or just speaking to them about the value of money at an appropriate age. Again, they learn by example and equating money with enjoyment or rewards and not just a vehicle can be dangerous.
What relationship do you want your child to have with money?
Give them perspective on what it is, what it does and why we need it. A straight talk about money is much easier to swallow. When the times comes to pay bills, they will figure it out.
The Takeaway
I’m pretty sure that kids are too smart to be tricked into chores and I’m not even sure that “tricking” or making a game out of chores is really necessary or effective. Chores are not the best vehicle for teaching life lessons. In fact, asking for help respectfully instills a certain sense of kindness and reciprocation that will take them much further.
It’s easy to project our own need to organize and schedule our lives - but an adult life isn’t what a kid’s life is. Allow the freedom and discovery of childhood to shine through (and maybe take a bit for yourself). It’s more important to focus on developing their true interests, giving them confidence through support, finding the joy in life and just being kids. I’m a big believer in “happy parent, happy child” – if you enjoy teaching them then they will enjoy the ride as well. If they see you happy and understand how you do it, then they will try to follow suit. If something is not forced, you have a good chance of sparking their curiosity as they see you do it.
There’s nothing like fond memories of a childhood and having that freeing sense of uncertainty. Let the world be their oyster, there is plenty of time for rules and demands. I can’t recall anyone ever saying, “remember that time we washed all of the dishes in the house – oh man, that was life changing”. And just in case your child does say this one day – congrats, they have found their passion.
There are other ways to raise well rounded future adults. When the time comes to complete a few chores they will have more than enough skills in their back pocket to figure it out. There’s a lot of time (and Finavi guides) for that.
